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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27438544">I'll take what I can get</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aanathemaa/pseuds/aanathemaa'>aanathemaa</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Past Drug Use, References to Drugs, it's complicated - Freeform, it's... not that easy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 01:53:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,228</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27438544</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aanathemaa/pseuds/aanathemaa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"He seems nice." Owen comments one day, trying for casual, but TK just waves that suggestive tone away and assures his dad it's not like that. </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, TK Strand/Original Male Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>154</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When TK unpacks, he finds at least three t-shirts and a hoodie that used to be Alex's. By the fourth t-shirt, his eyes are stinging and he's fighting off stupid tears he refuses to shed anymore. If things had gone differently, he would have been engaged today, planning his life with the man he was in love with, but life has a funny way of pulling the rug from underneath your feet when you least expect it. It doesn't help that love makes you shrug off red flags like they mean nothing and TK realizes now that his dad had been right in pointing out that a proposal might be a bit too much when your boyfriend doesn't even really want to live with you. </p><p>Still, he swallows past the hurt and pours his little life into this new house, bag after bag, and hopes that being this far away from Alex will make things easier. It's not a home, not really, and having each and every one of his moves scrutinized by his dad is far from ideal, but he supposes he deserves it. Owen had to watch him OD, sprawled out on the floor and slowly dying, and that was a pain in itself, one that TK really hated living with. </p><p>But moving doesn't fix things, does it? More than anything else, TK can feel it in the way everything that happened clouds his thoughts and follows him around like a shadow. A constant reminder of just how bad he fucked up. Because he did fuck up, he figures.</p><p>He must have smothered Alex with his dumb ideas of how their relationship should be, with silly, cliche things that are maybe only meant for the movies. In need of air, Alex looked elsewhere, towards something more realistic, more grounding, than what TK was offering him.</p><p>It also probably had to do with his annoying mood swings, courtesy of still being an addict, despite not using for years. Some days were good, some days were bad, and even if TK did try to behave, he would sometimes find himself snapping at Alex for reasons he considered fair at the time. He was probably wrong. </p><p>But maybe TK was just too much. Too loud and too silent, too pushy and afraid, too eager to secure something that he ended up chasing away. Alex certainly wasn't the first one to show him that, when push comes to shove, he's not really worth fighting for, but he wishes that could have happened before TK placed that silly ring in his pocket and strolled down towards the restaurant with a smile so big, his face hurt. Maybe he'd feel less stupid if that was the case.</p><p>It doesn't matter anymore though. There's no going back now and alongside the pain of it, TK tries to learn his lessons. Fool me once... he knows the drill. He has to if he doesn't want to end up in that restaurant again. </p><p>Addicts work differently though. Sometimes he wonders if it's just a weakness he was born with, but when there's nothing to keep you steady on your feet and oxy just isn't an option if you don't want (ironically) a life of pain, TK chooses to fight or fuck his way through his feelings. His sponsor and therapist may not agree, but they're all the way back in New York, and it'll take a bit of time before his dad starts that conversation. </p><p>So he goes out on runs until his legs tremble and ache. And later he meets two or three decent strangers. And he tries to forget the past three years of his life as his eyes roll back with heat and pleasure. </p><p>A month goes by. TK meets his new team and feels a weight lifting up from his shoulders when he finds out that they're quite a nice bunch. He'd expected a lot worse from Texas, especially since he refused to go back into the closet.</p><p>He even meets a cop (Carlos, if he remembers well), with eyes like dark chocolate, gentle and promising, and a soft, but blinding smile. Nothing comes out of it though. Carlos, all good manners and smooth moves, asks him to dance and spins him around, his hands always above TK's hips. In the disappointing end, Carlos doesn't take him home and, instead, bids him goodbye with a kiss on the cheek, like one of these many movies TK must have watched at some point. </p><p>Carlos does ask him out again, but TK is not all about that anymore. He doesn't exactly run in the opposite direction but does make a bunch of excuses. For some reason, he finds it very hard to say no to that hopeful, charming look in his eyes, but he sure as hell is not going to say yes either.  </p><p>"He seems nice." Owen comments one day, trying for casual, but TK just waves that suggestive tone away and assures his dad it's not like that. </p><p>Still, Carlos seems determined. He's not overbearing or anything, but he does try his luck every now and then. Sure, there was a hint to be taken, but TK did not really turn him down either, opting instead to come up with excuses to avoid anything that resembled a date. </p><p>There is a problem though. As much as TK wants to build his walls higher, keep everyone out and live safely in a bubble so that he doesn't end up being a fool again, Carlos <em>does</em> get to him. It's not even that he's incredibly physically attractive. Worse than that, he's soft and calm and sweet. TK often finds himself drowning in the warmth of his laugh and it's easy to see his genuine smile in the crinkle of his eyes. And even though TK's looking for the complete opposite of this, Carlos' charming self, how polite and kind and accomodating he is, draws him in like a moth to a flame. </p><p>TK knows that means trouble. A lot of trouble. And he also knows there's no point in even entertaining the thought of trying because there's only so much heartache he can take. He'd be jumping in this with Carlos and some time down the line the man would figure out just how much of a walking disaster TK actually is. He doesn't want to have to close the door on another relationship, he's not ready for something like that. </p><p>But then again there's a voice in his head that's saying he's reading too much into this. Sure, Carlos is a cute guy who's been raised well, but he probably just wants what everyone else wants and once he gets it, he'll settle down and won't be coming around anymore. Just get to the culminating point and be done with it.</p><p>So when Carlos asks him again for dinner at his place, TK skips a therapy appointment and goes. He doesn't put much effort in his appearance because there's no point. A hoodie and some shorts will do. When he gets there, Carlos swiftly opens the door and he's smiling so wide, it sends a buzz through TK's body. </p><p>"You came." he breathes out.</p><p>"I said I would, didn't I?" TK shrugs, offering Carlos a small smile in return, and walks in. </p><p>Carlos is about to say something, but TK figures that the less they talk, the less effort he'll have to put in convincing himself to leave. When they kiss, TK almost takes a sharp breath, surprised at how plump and soft Carlos' lips are. Carlos does try to protest at first, but he gives up rather easily.</p><p>It doesn't take long for them to end up on Carlos' couch, a tangle of limbs, working towards undressing themselves without breaking a kiss for too long. Carlos' hands on TK's waist are fire, making the hair on his arms stand up in overwhelming anticipation. He feels so good against Carlos, like he's meant to be in these arms, but he tries not to dwell on that thought for too long. And it's honestly easy to lose his train of thought because Carlos does wonders with his tongue too, hot against TK's own. </p><p>TK can feel Carlos' erection pressing down on him before the man takes to leaving a trail of kisses all over his body. It's sweet, really, but he's handling TK so delicately and this feels like a lie.</p><p>"It's okay, Carlos," he says when the man presses a kiss to his thigh, dangerously close to his own erection, "I'm good to go. I won't break."</p><p>Carlos, for his part, seems rather confused. He stops for a moment and meets TK's eyes. </p><p>"Am I doing something wrong?" he asks and TK hates the way that question has genuine confusion and innocence behind it. Of course, he's not doing anything wrong, he's amazing so far, but TK doesn't want the pounding of his heart to stay with him after he leaves so this sweetness is dangerous territory. </p><p>"No, no, you're fine," he says instead, because it's weird and hard to explain, "I'm just saying that this isn't my first time. You don't have to take it slow with me." </p><p>Carlos slightly quirks an eyebrow, perhaps trying to make sense of what TK's told him, but then he nods, looking a bit sheepish, and turns his attention to slowly taking TK's boxers off. </p><p>In the end, it doesn't matter. The words fly by Carlos' ears and what they do definitely feels more like making love than having casual sex. TK doesn't complain again because he's not a dick, but he hopes he can settle down his stomach from flattering once he leaves. </p><p>The rest of it rather amazing. TK comes like he hasn't in a long time, not rushed, not sore before they're even done, not feeling empty. Which scares him a lot if he's being honest, but he tries to comfort himself with the thought that now Carlos will eventually back off, having gotten what he hoped for.  </p><p>TK is quite shocked when that doesn't happen. It takes Carlos one day to show up at the fire station at the end of TK's shift, and not for a booty call either. </p><p>"Look," he says, and it's clear he's trying to find the right words, "I know things got heated between us last night, but I was really hoping for a date."</p><p>When TK gives him a look, all confused and at a loss, Carlos continues.</p><p>"Not that what happened wasn't great, it was.." he smiles and looks away for a moment and TK tries to stop his heart from hammering in his chest, "well, it was amazing. You were amazing. But I don't do this very often and I really want to take you on a proper date and maybe we can see where this goes?"</p><p>TK suddenly looks away because he has a hard time making sense of this. Sure, he's probably not the worst guy around, but besides being a decent booty call, Carlos is so outside of his league. He's not sure what the other man sees in him, there's nothing remarkable about him, but he doesn't look like he wants to give up. TK figured he liked the concept of a chase, but he also figured that should end with what happened between them last night. </p><p>"I know I've tried my luck a bit too much and I don't want to be a nuisance or anything, but I really like you and I want to get to know you if you'll let me."</p><p>"Carlos, I-" TK stutters. He doesn't know what to say because he promised himself he wouldn't get involved in something deep for the foreseeable future and yet here he is, barely three months in Austin, and already entertaining the idea of setting himself up for failure. "I can't, I'm sorry. You're a nice guy, but I'm not looking for more than what we did last night." </p><p>It kind of hurts to say that, mostly because his heart is heavily protesting in his chest, but knows where he's going to end up if he throws himself into something he's not ready for. </p><p>Carlos looks at him for the longest time, some excitement draining away as he considers TK's words, and then he nods, like he gets it, and TK feels the need to walk away before he does something stupid, but Carlos just gives him a small smile and a shrug. </p><p>"I'll take what I can get." </p><p>It's funny how many times TK finds himself at a loss when Carlos is involved. The man is all smooth lines where TK is all edges and TK can't keep his eyebrows from raising at the suggestion. He expected Carlos to take it as a rejection, bid him goodbye and walk away, but the man managed to surprise him once again.</p><p>TK considers this for a moment. No strings attached is what he's been aiming for ever since he got here, but can he do it with Carlos? What happened between them the other night was definitely not just casual sex, as much as TK denies it to himself. Still, looking at Carlos right now, he knows he feels an overwhelming need to do it again and again, if only to feel more alive for a minute. </p><p>And because he's well known for making bad decisions, he thinks fuck it, he can do this. It doesn't have to mean anything if he separates his feelings from his needs. It <em>can</em> work.</p><p>"Alright." TK gives him a crooked smile. "We can do that."</p><p>"So," Carlos smirks in return, "are you busy tonight?" </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comments are always appreciated! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It happens at the end of a rather bad shift. Car accident; mother dead on arrival, father and infant baby rushed to the hospital. It's no one's fault really, sometimes these things just happen and there's nothing you can do about it, but if they had gotten there sooner maybe the mother wouldn't have bled out as she did. Realistically, TK knows there are things that happen outside of his control, but it doesn't make him feel any better about the outcome. Sometimes you can push this kind of stuff down, you kinda have to, and other times you need to let it hurt for a while before you let it go. </p><p>Still, a bad mood is a bad mood, and although everything else has been decent, even, dare he say it, peaceful, it somehow still feels like there's something wrong. Like something's about to happen. It drives TK up the wall if he's being honest, and the proof of that shows in his reaction to a simple text from Carlos.</p><p>[23:01] <strong>Movie at my place tonight? I have nachos. I can pick you up. 😊</strong></p><p>It's definitely not the first time Carlos texts him something like this. TK honestly lost count of how many times they've done this. And to any stranger looking in, it's just a sweet, and much welcomed, invitation after a hard shift. But then... then it all clicks into place.</p><p>Between rounds of mindblowing sex and bumping into each other at work, Carlos has managed to sneak into his life and make a home of it. One that comes in the form of spending way too much time together for just friends with benefits, and knowing far too much about what each other's likes or dislikes.</p><p>The realization of this comes down on him like a movie reel, watching himself stay longer and longer, sleeping the night at Carlos' just because the man asked him so nicely, tone low but gentle. And then they're eating out together at all of Carlos' favorite spots because the food is as good as the company. And then he's having a hard time hanging up the phone because the voice on the other end is so warm and comforting. </p><p>And somewhere along these lines, TK realizes he hadn't slept with anybody else for the past two months, since before this <em>casual</em> thing started between him and Carlos.</p><p>Suddenly, anger washes over him like a wave and TK wants to laugh at just how stupid he's being yet again. Here he is slowly slipping into the very thing he's been trying to stay away from. He wants to be mad at Carlos for pushing these boundaries, but in the end, it was him who's done nothing about it. He doesn't want to dwell on just how much he actually loved it because that would mean owning his feelings and we don't do that here, do we?</p><p>But, just like he promised, he knows this needs to stop. Or maybe a pause or something.</p><p>Maybe he needs a reality check. Maybe both of them do. </p><p>[23:11] <em>can't. sorry. seeing someone. </em></p><p>TK regrets the text as soon as he sends it. He knows it's a dick move to turn down Carlos like that and his heart starts pounding at what Carlos might think of it, of him, when he sees it. But he also has a hard time dealing with the fact that he cares this much to begin with.</p><p>Hell, Carlos is most probably far less concerned than TK thinks he is. He'll shrug it off and make other plans, the voice at the back of TK's head says. In fact, TK wonders if he's sleeping with other people too. He's never seen anyone with Carlos so far but that doesn't mean anything. They were together a lot, yes, but not every day.</p><p>Maybe Carlos is texting someone else right now. Maybe...</p><p>[23:17] <strong>Okay. Take care of yourself. </strong></p><p>Well, that's that. He was right. Carlos didn't mind.</p><p>That should make him happy, right? It's how they're supposed to work, isn't it?</p><p>TK stares at his phone for ten minutes straight, anger bubbling in his chest, ugly and sharp, before he says <em>fuck it</em> and hits the showers. </p><p>When he's done, his head is pounding as much as his heart, and he's craving oxy like he hasn't in weeks. It makes him feel all kinds of gross.</p><p>But he doesn't do that anymore. Not ever. He can't. </p><p>What he can do is knock on some stranger's door, one of those he met when he got to Austin. Four texts later, he lets this stranger fuck him senseless, rough and messy. It's not bad, not exactly, but it's something he almost forgot. He's grown used to a different kind of feeling, one that doesn't exist here, in their mingled, hot breaths or their sharp, low grunts. </p><p>TK closes his eyes and tries not to think of Carlos, tries not to compare, or to miss, but it's hard. He's dying to know if Carlos has someone else under him now, warm and ready to be there when TK isn't. He wonders if Carlos' just as gentle with them, if his touch is as intimate as it feels when it sends shivers all over TK's body. He wonders if Carlos also can't stop thinking...</p><p>Marc hits a sweet spot then, as if telling him to shut his brain up, and TK's breathing is growing uneven now. He can feel his orgasm building up and he's trying so hard to focus on it that he doesn't even notice Marc leaning down to bite his shoulder. TK almost pushes him off because fuck that, that's <em>not</em> what he wants, but he's so close he finds it hard to move or to think straight.</p><p>And then it happens, he cums, and it's over far too quickly. There's barely any afterglow when his senses come back and instead of feeling good, he just kind of feels... really sick for some reason. </p><p>He wants to leave, to get out, but Marc's still pushing into him, chasing an orgasm, and TK lets him.</p><p>When Marc's done and TK can move again, he stumbles out of the bed in a hurry, trying not to trip on his own feet, looking for his clothes.</p><p>"That was good..." Marc says lazily as TK is pulling his hoodie over his head, "don't you want to stay for a beer?"</p><p>"I'm good." TK tries for a smile after he finds his pants. "Thanks."</p><p>And then he leaves, just like that. He feels as empty as he did when he walked into that apartment.</p><p>When he checks his phone, it's well past midnight, and his dad had texted him to ask if he's staying over at Carlos tonight. </p><p><em>Fuck. </em>It's so fucking surreal how Carlos has managed to be such a big part of his life in such a short amount. </p><p>It actually scares the shit out of TK.</p><p>[01:04] <em>no, i'm not </em></p><p>
  <em>[01:04] gonna be home soon</em>
</p><p>[01:04] <em>hope u're not still up</em></p><p>[01:05] <span class="u">I know. I texted Carlos earlier.</span></p><p>[01:05] <span class="u">I'm making pasta. Want some?</span></p><p>
  <em>Fuck. </em>
</p><p>[01:05] <em>you promised not to text him</em></p><p>[01:05] <em>unless you absolutely have to</em></p><p>[01:05] <span class="u">You didn't come home and you didn't answer any of my texts or calls.</span></p><p>[01:05] <span class="u">I think that counts as a very good reason to be concerned. </span></p><p>[01:05] <em>...</em></p><p>[01:05] <em>sorry</em></p><p>[01:05] <em>talk when i get home x</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comments are always appreciated! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When TK left Marc's place, all he wanted to do was rush home, try to shower away all those stupid decisions. Now, standing in front of his home, he hesitates reaching for the door, knowing that his dad is waiting on the other side, cooking late at night like he does when he's worried or restless. </p><p>He should have texted his dad, he knows that, but he's been too busy slipping down a rabbit hole of messy, ugly thoughts to remember that there were still rules he had to follow. Fair ones too. </p><p>Knowing there's no way around this now, no shortcut to his bed, he just sighs and walks in; he drops his bag, hangs his keys and kicks off his shoes. The house is dark, save for the light spilling from the kitchen, from where he can hear the familiar clink of plates.</p><p>It smells great, really, but TK's stomach protests the idea of food.</p><p>"That you, TK?" his dad calls as TK walks in the kitchen.</p><p>"Hey dad." TK greets him and tries to sound casual, but he can hardly put any effort into it. And besides, his dad wouldn't be his dad if he couldn't notice the little details; the tension in his shoulders, the forced smile and the way TK's eyes avoid him.</p><p>"Hey kid." Owen smiles easily, "Wash your hands and sit down. Pasta's ready."</p><p>TK nods and does as he's told. Meanwhile, he tries to come up with a decent apology for his dad, but his thoughts still circle back to Carlos. For some reason, it feels like what happened tonight is bigger than TK realizes. Like maybe it's the beginning of the end of something that didn't even exist in the first place, He itches to text Carlos, but say what exactly? That he's sorry? That this thing with Marc didn't mean anything? They're not even in a relationship, but TK very much feels, knows, he's done something that he shouldn't have.</p><p>And he doesn't want to make a fool of himself. What if Carlos doesn't care?</p><p>And what.. what if he does? What will TK do then?</p><p>Say that he's sorry he fucked up? That there's clearly nothing casual about the way he feels for Carlos? </p><p>Or maybe he should tell Carlos to run for the hills, far, far away from the mess that is TK Strand.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck.</em>
</p><p>When he sits down across his dad, Owen nods towards the food in encouragement. TK takes a mouthful but he has a hard time appreciating his dad's cooking like he usually does.</p><p>"So where did you get off to? Carlos said you might be with a friend."</p><p>That's one way to put it, TK thinks bitterly. </p><p>"Dad, you need to stop bothering Carlos when you can't reach me immediately."</p><p>Owen quirks a brow and then makes a face.</p><p>"Can you blame me? You're practically always together when you're not working." he gestures with his fork.</p><p>TK takes a sharp breath. He's lost count of the punches he took tonight. They just keep coming. </p><p>"Well, we weren't together tonight." TK snaps slightly and Owen raises another brow.</p><p>He sighs.</p><p>"I'm sorry." he says quietly, "It's been a long day."</p><p>"I can see that." Owen comments, but there's no malice in it. TK really hates himself right now.</p><p>"I'm sorry for not texting you. I should have. I made a promise. I just... I forgot." he looks down at his food, "Nothing happened. I promise."</p><p>It's Owen's turn to sigh. TK knows his dad trusts him, he really does, but he also knows his dad is rightfully worried. While he doesn't have any kids, not now anyway, he understands how watching your son almost die can give you some anxiety. </p><p>"I'm just glad you're okay. That you're home." </p><p>"Thank you, dad." he says with a small smile, a genuine one this time.</p><p>There's silence for a little while as they eat and then Owen asks.</p><p>"So who's this friend of yours? Do I know him? I'm sorry I texted Carlos, I just thought you might be at his place."</p><p>"He's just some guy I met when we moved. He's not really a friend."</p><p>Owen chews slowly, like he's taking time to process this information, and TK thinks it all clicks when his dad glances at his plate.</p><p>"So you and Carlos really aren't together." he concludes then, his tone far more serious than it was a minute ago. "I just thought you didn't want me to know yet."</p><p>"No, we're not." TK confirms, and the words struggle to get out past the lump in his throat. </p><p>"Is it because of Alex?" </p><p>"What?"</p><p>"Is it because of Alex?"</p><p>"What does Alex have to do with this?" TK asks, almost offended at the sound of his ex-boyfriend's name, even if the truth of the assumption stings behind his chest. </p><p>"Well, I know that look on your face when you look at Carlos. Seen it before, remember?" his dad pauses to chew, "And as far as I can see, he's right where you are too. You spend a lot of time together and you get along quite well. There's nothing practically stopping you from making it official," his eyes meet TK's, "unless you're not completely over Alex."</p><p>"I am over Alex." TK protests, and there's anger in his voice, "I am." he repeats, just to make a point, "I just don't want to throw myself into something that might end like my relationship with Alex did."</p><p>"Mhm," his dad muses. looking deep in thought, "you're scared Carlos will find someone else? Behind your back?"</p><p>TK is weirdly taken aback by the assumption. After all, it's been mere hours since he wondered if Carlos slept with other people. But now, thinking on it with a clearer mind, and presented with a different context, it sounds rather stupid. TK could use a lot of words to describe Carlos and none of them even hint towards "cheater".</p><p>But then again, they don't know each other that well. They haven't gone through years of relationship together. Alex didn't seem like a cheater in the beginning either, that voice from the back of his head supplies.</p><p>"No." TK finally answers, "Yes. I don't know. I can't know."</p><p>"So you're just choosing to not trust anyone again? Ever?"</p><p>"Dad, I don't know. I want to trust him. I do trust him. I just," he sighs, "People change, okay? Things happen."</p><p>"You change too, TK. Everyone does." his dad frowns, "That doesn't mean you should just close yourself to relationships forever or that you should stop giving people chances. Not all change is bad. Every relationship isn't doomed, especially when you put effort into it."</p><p>"I know that, I-" he stutters, frustrated, "Deep down, I know that. I obviously don't want turn away the man I think I'm in love with, but I just... I'm a mess, dad. I do my best at work and most of the time it's going great, but everything else is a rollercoaster and most of the time, I have no idea what I'm doing."</p><p>"It seemed to me like you were doing great until today. Did I miss something?"</p><p>TK sighs. </p><p>"Well, yeah," he says with a frown, "but then... I did something. I don't know why, but I feel like I've made everything worse."</p><p>"Is that why you two didn't hang out tonight?"</p><p>"No, no, uh," TK looks away, "we didn't fight... I just told him I'm going to see someone else tonight. I was... I was actually trying to push him away because I thought we were getting too close."</p><p>"TK..."</p><p>"I know... I literally have no idea what I'm doing and I feel like such an idiot. I want to text him so badly. I want to tell him I'm sorry, but we're not even in a relationship so what am I really sorry for?"</p><p>"Talk to him tomorrow. Tell him how you really feel. I know it's hard to be vulnerable in front of someone, especially after you've been through that whole mess with Alex, but you won't feel better until you two talk about it and you know that."</p><p>Owen stands up and picks up both of their plates.</p><p>"Did you talk to Ava about it?"</p><p>"No? I mean, I mentioned Carlos, I just never mentioned how I feel about him."</p><p>"Maybe you should." his dad says with a sympathetic smile. "You might not want to tell me all the details of your love life, but she's there to listen and she doesn't judge. She just wants to help."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comments are always appreciated! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Carlos tosses and turns, limbs tangled in his bedsheets. The clock on the nightstand tells him that if he wants to make it to work tomorrow and function properly, he should probably sleep. But.. sleep doesn't come. And honestly? It's his fault.</p><p>He knew exactly what he signed up for when he told TK that being friends with benefits was fine with him. Despite his better judgement, he thought he could read between the lines and slip past them. He thought that maybe somewhere along the way they could be more. </p><p>And it did feel like they were... more. Certainly much more than just stranger having sex.</p><p>Carlos was aware that he'd just scratched the surface of who TK really was, but he also couldn't ignore all the little details that they did learn about each other in this short amount of time, how good it felt to spend their evenings and days off together or how excited he'd been to immerse TK into as many corners of his life as he could.</p><p>Sure, he didn't know TK, not truly or deeply, but he felt like there was hope in the fact that he had managed to get through the first few layers. </p><p>There were even times when Carlos could swear he saw a spark of something in TK's eyes too. Now? He wasn't so sure anymore.</p><p>But it was mostly his fault. TK didn't do much to stop him, but he'd been the one to push and push past those boundaries he was warned about. He needed more of TK, more of them together, and now the reality of their situation was crashing down him at full speed. </p><p>What could he say? What was there to say?</p><p>Frankly, there were many things he could say. From <em>please don't go</em> to <em>I think I'm in love with you</em>, but Carlos doubted any of them would matter, or change TK's mind. If anything, Carlos feared a confession like that might make TK run in the opposite direction. </p><p>It was clear to Carlos that TK had sizeable baggage. It didn't bother him, he meant what he said when he told TK he wanted to get to know him, but whatever TK carried with him, whatever happened in his past, was obviously noticeable in the way he kept most people at arm's length, or how he was waiting for the other shoe to drop at any given time.</p><p>There had been a few times when their conversations would slowly head towards deeper stuff, but TK would change the subject faster than Carlos could say <em>I won't judge, I promise</em>.</p><p>And now... now TK was with someone else. The thought alone made his chest tight... except that it wasn't just a thought.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck, he'd been such a fool.</em>
</p><p>When he and TK started this whole thing, Carlos made a mental not to worry about whoever else TK might be seeing. It had been rather easy, especially because he's never had to come face to face with that fact until tonight. </p><p>But something needed to happen because Carlos already felt knocked out. It was either stay and soldier through these feelings until they go away (which seemed unlikely at the moment) or back off before this would turn into something they'd both regret.</p><p>With that in mind, sleep was definitely off the table. And Carlos was just about to get up and go splash some water on his face when his phone beeped. </p><p>[02:49] <em>can we talk? </em></p><p>Carlos stared at the notification at least two full minutes. His mind raced and his heart started picking up speed too. There were a lot of things passing through his head, but the worst of them all was that maybe TK was simply taking a decision before Carlos could make his own. </p><p>[02:53] <strong>Sure.. Right now?</strong></p><p>The dots kept popping up and disappearing so Carlos cringed a little.</p><p>[02:55] <em>no.. its quite late</em></p><p>[02:55] <em>tomorrow after our shifts?</em></p><p>Yeah.. definitely not sleeping tonight.</p><p>[02:55] <strong>Okay. My shift ends after yours so I'll text you. </strong></p><p>[02:56] <em>thanks</em></p><p>[02:56] <em>see ya then </em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comments are always appreciated! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>TK paces. And then paces some more. He must have paced for at least thirty-five minutes by now.</p><p>Despite being sore and tired from his shift, he pretty much ran to the showers, changed his clothes, almost tripped thrice and rushed to Carlos' place as soon as he could. It's been a hard day, one filled with weird looks from his teammates (Paul and Marjan asked him twice to elaborate, but TK thought they could do without his disastrous history of life choices so he spared them), but here he was, pacing up and down Carlos' sidewalk and probably freaking out the neighbours.</p><p>There was so much he needed to say and he had absolutely no idea if Carlos was ready to hear it. In fact, he wasn't even sure Carlos <em>wanted</em> to hear it. </p><p>One of the reasons he could barely function all day and had to get here as soon as possible, meaning he was an hour early, was that he needed to tell Carlos the truth before his bravado would vanish into thin air. And that wasn't going to be easy because each and every one of TK's insecurity screamed at him that he was being stupid, that he should leave, that he should use this time to think of something else to tell Carlos, something that didn't end up with revealing things about himself that would probably scare Carlos away. </p><p>Still, his dad was right. This whole thing was slowly eating at him, making things worse. Situations like these were the reason he promised himself he'll stop seeking out things that will inevitably end in heartbreak. Ironically, the feelings and heartbreak came anyway.</p><p>But... how exactly does one protect themselves against kind-hearted strangers with sweet, promising dark eyes and a smile to die for? </p><p>The general consensus is that you can't. Instead, you fall in love with them a little more each day, no matter how much you try to fight it, and you have to live with the idea that this person you've grown to love has the ability to hurt you if they choose to. You just have to trust that they won't.</p><p>Trust though... it can't be given on a silver platter. Not when it's been used and abused before. Some people do give it away easily, TK's seen it before, <em>has</em> done it before, but where did it get him? In a restaurant, watching the person he loved walk away to be with his spin instructor after nearly three years of a relationship.</p><p>Still, the truth was that somehow, through these attempts of his to keep feelings at a safe distance and protect himself, he ended up being the asshole. Sure, there was nothing official between him and Carlos, but try as he might, which TK did up to this point, he couldn't deny that there wasn't something more between them, something that both of them, intentionally or not, encouraged. He should have known he wasn't strong enough to do this without getting attached and he should have known Carlos' feelings wouldn't disappear just because he agreed to a purely sexual relationship. Which they didn't have anyway.</p><p>"Hey, you alright?" Carlos' voice comes like a splash of cold water on TK's face and his breath catches in his throat as he turns around to meet his eyes. He's probably the definition of a deer caught in the headlights. Did 20 minutes really pass by that quickly? </p><p>"Hi, uhm," TK steps closer, "sorry. I know I should have waited for you to text, but I just... I thought I'd wait for you here."</p><p>"That's okay." Carlos says, some confusion in his voice, and there's a hint of a smile on his face that makes TK's heart pound uncontrollably, "You could have gone inside though. You have a key."</p><p>Actually, TK did think about that. Carlos had given him a key last week, in case they had plans and TK would finish his shift earlier. Carlos said he figured it was easier for TK to shower at his place than go back and forth between home and here. In retrospect, he should have realized a long time ago that this was turning into something rather domestic, but Carlos had a way of painting sweet, important gestures into not big deals, into something... normal. </p><p>That being said, the reason he didn't use his key was that it didn't feel right to barge into Carlos' home and wait for him on his couch as he prepared to drop a lot of heavy facts on the poor man. In fact, TK didn't think he deserved that key at all.</p><p>"Yeah, I know, I just thought it might be better to wait for you here."</p><p>"Oh," Carlos says then, suddenly frowning, "okay then."</p><p>He looks TK in the eyes a second longer before he nods and walks past him towards the door. With steady hands, he opens it and lets TK inside. He hangs his keys, takes off his shoes and awkwardly shows TK to the living room, as if he hadn't been here so many times before.</p><p>"Do you want anything to drink? I've got-"</p><p>"No, don't worry. I'm okay." TK interrupts him, fidgeting like crazy, and tries for a polite smile, but it probably comes out wrong.</p><p>Carlos nods again then, gestures to TK to take a sit on the couch and, instead of sitting next to him, he brings a chair from the kitchen and settles across of him. The only thing standing between them is a table, but TK somehow feels like he's light-years away. It hurts in ways TK has a hard time describing. </p><p>But this is it now. The moment of truth. There's no backing out, no running back to the comfort of deniability, no way around it. So, with Carlos' full attention on him, sharp and heavy, he might as well just come clean.</p><p>"I, uh," TK clears his throat, "I wanted to talk about us."</p><p>"About us?" </p><p>"Yeah, I think we need to. I think I owe you the truth."</p><p>"The truth?" Carlos raises a brow, confused.</p><p>TK takes a deep breath, placing his hands beneath his thighs to stop them from shaking.</p><p>"I slept with someone last night." he says then, and it hurts saying it. The bite on his shoulder stings at his words, a reminder of what had happened. </p><p>Carlos looks even more confused, his brows furrowed, but after a moment, he smiles bitterly. TK's never seen him do that before. </p><p>"Yeah, you already told me. Last night." he says. The words easily cut through the distance between them and TK tries not to flinch at their weight.</p><p>"I know, I know, it's just-" TK stutters, "Look," he starts, shifting in his seat, "you texted me last night to come watch a movie with you and that's when it dawned on me. I finally realized that whatever we were doing... it wasn't casual. We were not acting like friends with benefits."</p><p>"We weren't? I mean, I don't want to be too blunt here, TK, but you made it pretty clear that's all we were when you said you were seeing someone else."</p><p>"No, no, that's the thing," TK protests, trying to find his words, "I freaked out. I realized I was so deep into this, I didn't know how to get out. I thought I was being stupid for letting it happen so I kind of wanted to give us both a reality check."</p><p>Carlos frowns, making TK's heart pound even harder. </p><p>"So," he starts, unconvinced, "you're saying you realized that there's something more between us than just sex, but you freaked out and your solution was to sleep with somebody else? Why?"</p><p>TK brings his hands to his knees and looks down at them. He hides them in the long sleeves of his hoodie. Carlos is right of course. This didn't seem logical at all. </p><p>"You're right. It doesn't make sense. At least not now when I've had time to process it." he sighs, bringing his knees up to his chest. "But the thing is... I have a lot of baggage that I've never told you about. My dad and I didn't move here just because he wanted the job. He was offered the opportunity to help rebuild the 126, but he initially refused it. At the time, I was in a long term relationship with a guy named Alex. I was," TK breathes in, trying to measure his words, "I was actually going to propose to him. I bought a ring and invited him to a really nice restaurant thinking that I finally found the love of my life. Of course... it did not work out." he explains, unable to keep the bitter tone out of his voice, "Just before I could pop the question, he told me he was in love with his spin instructor and that we should break up. He'd been cheating on me for at least two months." TK smiles to himself, sharp and empty. </p><p>TK thinks he hears Carlos say something under his breath, but there's a buzz in his ears that makes it hard to hear.</p><p>"That's when my world turned upside down and I realized I had been living a lie. The man who I thought I was going to marry, the relationship I had built for the past three years, gone after a 45-minute conversation." he says, his jaw tightening at the memories and his eyes stinging. "I'm a former addict, I've been clean for the past five years and yet that night... I had no control. I scored some oxy and almost died. My dad found me on the floor of my apartment, performed CPR on me, injected me with Narcan until I finally woke up. What I did was really stupid, and I never want to see that look on my dad's face again, but I felt hopeless, like everything was crashing down on me and I couldn't do anything about it."</p><p>"Jesus, TK, I-"</p><p>"But in doing what I did, I put myself and my dad in a really bad situation. A whole crew had to watch my dad try to bring me back from an overdose. They reported it as accidental, but it was still something serious that didn't look good so my dad decided that he should take that job offer and move us here, in Austin."</p><p>TK pauses for a moment, feeling a bit out of breath.</p><p>"That obviously didn't fix things for me. It actually made them worse because I was suddenly in a whole different place with no familiar faces and the things that had happened haunted me all the way to Austin. I tried to keep up appearances for my dad because he's been through a lot with me, but I wasn't over it. I'm still not completely over it. When I wasn't working, I was hooking up with strangers to try to make myself feel something else. Just anything to make that numbness go away."</p><p>"And then," TK dares to look up, a small smile still on his face, "then I met you. And you were so different. You weren't just gorgeous or looking for something easy and fast, you actually wanted to talk to me and dance with me. You gave me a kiss on the cheek as a goodbye and I remember wondering... what is this guy's deal?" he chuckles, "And you were insistent too. Not annoying, not really, but you kept coming around to ask me out and I kept making excuses not to come. I knew you were technically trouble for me because I didn't want to get involved in a relationship, but you were... always on my radar, you know? And I liked you a lot so it was hard for me to ignore you, move on and forget about it."</p><p>"I liked you too, TK. I do like you." Carlos says, something painful in his tone. It sends shivers down TK's spine like nothing else.</p><p>"I know, I know that now." TK nods, playing with the sleeves of his hoodie, "I used to think you just liked playing the cat and mouse game and I figured if we had sex, you'd lose interest. But you didn't. I was so confused when you showed up at the station a day later asking for a real date. But I... I couldn't do that. Maybe it doesn't make sense, but I was too scared to allow myself to step into something like that with you. So when you agreed to an open and casual kind of thing, I thought it could work if I kept my needs and feelings separate." </p><p>TK makes a face. He opens his mouth and closes it a few times. It's hard to put feelings into words. </p><p>"I could not keep them separate. I mean, I thought I did, but I've lost sight of that as soon as we hit it off." he says, biting his lip, looking small and unsure of himself, "I've ignored it and denied it, and didn't even really realize it, but I loved spending time with you so much. You were so nice and caring and funny and just... right. I loved having someone who wanted to stay even when I didn't make much effort to make them stay. I loved that we actually clicked so well and could talk for hours about everything and nothing. I loved that you made me feel like I mattered."</p><p>There's a sharp intake of breath coming from Carlos that TK doesn't miss and it somehow makes him feel worse.  </p><p>"And now?" Carlos asks.</p><p>"Well, I sort of spoke to my dad about it." TK confesses. He doesn't know when he started crying, but he hates that he did. He's not here to throw a pity party for himself. "And I realized that I've been a big fool. I do want you and I do want this connection we have. It's just... it won't work. You've been so good to me and I've been... well, not that. I wasn't ready for what you brought to the table, I'm still probably not, and even if I do want what we had, I know I'm not good for you."</p><p>"So you're here to break things off? Because it feels like I should have a say in this."</p><p>"I," TK starts, wiping furiously at his face, "I'm just here to say that I'm sorry. I was dumb and immature and I shouldn't have put you through all of that. I was a dick for texting you that I was going to see someone else. Technically, it shouldn't have meant anything to you or to me, but it did. I regretted the text as soon as I sent it but I still slept with someone just to spite myself. I thought I was bringing us back to the starting point, that you were probably with someone else too. I thought that I was just doing what I was meant to do, but being with someone else," he trails off, "I felt miserable, like I was doing something very wrong. Honestly, it felt like I was cheating. I wanted to leave as soon as I realized why it didn't feel good to me. And I really hate myself for what happened."</p><p>Carlos sighs. They stay in silence for a long time before he gets up, pours himself a glass of water and chooses to sit on the couch this time, next to TK.</p><p>"It wasn't just you, okay? I pushed this thing too. You told me you didn't want a relationship and I agreed to us being casual, but I helped turn it into something more too. I wanted something with you so I thought that maybe if I pushed a little, you'll see that we can work. That wasn't fair to you either." he places the glass on the looks like he's unsure of what to do with his hands. </p><p>"I'm sorry you've been through all that, TK. Nobody would be ready to jump into a relationship after something like that. And even though we obviously messed this up, I don't regret meeting you. Maybe I should have waited more, let you settle in, I-"</p><p>"You couldn't have known. You were just trying to meet someone new. And I know you pushed these boundaries too, but I let you. I could have broken things off, but I was too comfortable with you to let you go."</p><p>Silence falls upon them once again and TK wonders if it was time for him to leave. He thinks it might be hard, feeling glued in his place.</p><p>"I don't want to lose us. I know we started this wrong, but I don't want us to end it here." Carlos says. The sincerity behind him shooks TK to his core. He tries not to choke. </p><p>"I don't want to lose you either, but I'm not good for you right now, Carlos." TK says, voice cracking, "I've lost my therapist from New York and I've seriously neglected to see the one my dad found for me here in Austin. But I need to take it seriously and maybe... maybe I'll know how to handle things better in the future. I don't want to hurt you again. I don't want to hurt my dad again."</p><p>"I'm in love with you, TK. That's not going away anytime soon. And I think you feel something for me too. I think-"</p><p>"More than just something." TK corrects him. Their eyes lock for a moment before Carlos nods. </p><p>"Now that I know that, now that you've told me about your past too... I think we should at least try. It doesn't have to be some huge commitment that pressures us, like we're about get married or something, it can be just.. drinks and watching a movie and giving you a ride home. Baby steps, you know?" Carlos smiles slightly and there's hope glinting in his eyes. "We can take it slow if that's the pace you like."</p><p>TK doesn't know what to say. He really wants to try with Carlos. Like truly try. But he still feels bad about what happened. It doesn't just go away.</p><p>"Look, it did hurt me that you slept with someone else. It hurt because I thought we were heading somewhere good and it was working. But what we had was more complicated than I thought. You were hurt and you hurt me in turn and neither of us wanted to talk about the elephant in the room." Carlos says and his hand moves to grab TK's, making TK's heart beat a tattoo into his chest. "I'm not saying it will be easy, but I want to be there and help you get through this. I want us to work, I really do. All I ask is that you talk to me. I won't judge, I won't run, but I have to know how you feel when you feel it, you know? I know it won't be easy, but we can take it one step at a time."</p><p>TK feels weak in the knees even as he's sitting. He wants to reach out and kiss Carlos, but he stops himself. </p><p>"Are you sure? You could find someone with whom it'd be easier. You deserve that."</p><p>Carlos laughs, a wet sound that startles TK.</p><p>"It doesn't work like that. I don't want them, I want you. And if you're set on trying to work through these things, if you're set on going to therapy and really giving it a shot, I want to be there to support you."</p><p>TK breathes out. He can't hold it in anymore. He closes the gap between him and Carlos, crushing the other man into a hug, arms tight around him. </p><p>"I'm so sorry." he whispers against Carlos' shoulder. "I love you. I never meant for us to go through this. I'm really sorry."</p><p>"I know. I know that now." Carlos whispers back. </p><p>When they part, TK tries to wipe his face again. </p><p>"I do want to try my best. I want a chance at this with you. I want to get better."</p><p>"If we do this," Carlos says then, "we have to do it slow and right. So that we can meet each other halfway."</p><p>TK nods, sniffing. </p><p>"I know." he says, "And if it still doesn't work, and if I'm somehow beyond repair, I just want you to know that I <em>do</em> love you and you're one of the best people I've ever met. You've made me feel really special and I'm sorry I ruined it. I'm sorry I didn't come here to talk sooner."</p><p>"You're not beyond repair, T." Carlos tells him, making it really hard for TK not to kiss him. "As long as we try to make something real out of it, we'll be okay."</p><p>TK sighs then, one big sigh of relief. Something has been lifted from his shoulders. Not everything, not really, but something, and he feels so much lighter because of it.</p><p>It doesn't make everything okay, he stills holds that regret with him, but at least Carlos knows the whole story now.</p><p>There's a glint of hope sparking in his chest, small and vulnerable, but TK feels it deep in his bones so he tries to hold onto that with everything he has.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comments are always appreciated! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Comments are always appreciated! &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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